


You Feel Guilty.

by BlobFrog



Series: all i can seem to write is ed vent fics [1]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: (but that's just kinda mentioned in passing), Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Gen, Possible Character Death, Self-Harm, Trans Peter Parker, other characters mentioned in passing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 06:10:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21315472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlobFrog/pseuds/BlobFrog
Summary: You sit there thinking about life on the edge of a building too tall to be sat upon casually. You look down and you ponder life, because sometimes the streets are quiet and you have time. Time to sit and think. Sometimes that’s good, on days when all you want is for the world around you to be quiet and peaceful. Days when it’s nice outside, when the weathers good and when you can look upon the world with hope.Today isn’t that type of day.
Series: all i can seem to write is ed vent fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1536646
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	You Feel Guilty.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so big ass trigger warning.  
WARNING:  
ALSO BIG SPOILERS FOR THE FIC:  
There's mentions of purposely not eating for long periods of time and feeling euphoria about it. There's mentions of cutting and wounds, the act is also described however not exactly explicitly but kinda graphic. There's mentions of fainting. The end is a cliffhanger in which you don't know if he survives.

You sit there thinking about life on the edge of a building too tall to be sat upon casually. You look down and you ponder life, because sometimes the streets are quiet and you have time. Time to sit and think. Sometimes that’s good, on days when all you want is for the world around you to be quiet and peaceful. Days when it’s nice outside, when the weathers good and when you can look upon the world with hope.

Today isn’t that type of day.

Today your thoughts are too loud in your brain. As you sit around with nothing to do. When all you want is to be useful and it’s taken from you. The ability to be useful. Then you feel guilty, because wishing to be useful in this moment in time would mean that you are wishing that someone needs your help. That someone is having trouble with something, and you’re wishing that upon them. You’re actively wishing trouble for someone, just so you can help. Just so you can feel useful. You think it’s all your fault, that you’re wishing bad luck upon someone, that you’re wishing for a bad day, or even the end of their life for someone. 

Guilt is a hell of a drug.

You can get rid of your addiction to guilt, but you don’t want to, you’re addicted to the guilt. Without the guilt, you can’t justify your actions and that causes even more guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt. You think about all that you feel guilty about. You think about it chronologically. You feel guilty for burdening yourself upon your Aunt and Uncle. You feel guilty for being yourself, it caused so many issues for Ben and May, money issues, social issues and issues that you think you’re probably not even aware of. You feel guilty for being bitten by that spider, it was one of the worst and best things that could’ve happened, but you still feel guilty about it. You think it’s your fault that Uncle Ben died. You think it's all your fault. You feel guilty for the cuts that line your legs, not your arms though, arms are too visible. You feel guilty for eating the food May provides for you. You feel guilty for eating at all. Peter Parker is guilty.

Spider-Man isn’t a saint either though.

Spider-Man makes mistakes too. You think about those mistakes and the guilt associated too but at least Spider-Man saves people, at least he has redeemable qualities. Spider-Man tries his best to save everyone in his neighbourhood. To help whoever needs helping. You think that’s admirable in some ways. You pay for those mistakes, the lives lost, of those who you should’ve saved, though Spider-Man doesn’t pay for them. Spider-Man is needed, Peter Parker is not. Spider-Man is good, Peter Parker is guilty.

As long as Spider-Man can do his job you don’t care about the ways in which you destroy Peter.

You sit on that ledge and you think. You keep thinking about the ways in which you’ve destroyed Peter, you feel justified in the ways that you have but you also feel guilty. You keep repeating that word in your head. It doesn’t feel real anymore. The word that is, not the guilt. The guilt is real and it’s there. Because right now you may be sitting on a roof dressed as Spider-Man, but right now you’re Peter Parker. Guilty little Parker. You feel like an imposter in this moment, because Peter Parker shouldn’t be wearing the Spider-Man suit. 

You hear a distressed sound coming from a few buildings away.

You stop your little pity party and you’re now Spider-Man as you fly through the air. You drop down into an alleyway where a person is being robbed at knife point. Your webs make instant contact firstly with the knife, yanking it out of the perpetrators hands and sticking it to the wall. Secondly your webs make contact with the actual person, yanking them to the wall opposite the knife, the guy makes contact with the wall with a thud. You web him up as quickly as possible as the victim of the theft rushes past you. They mutter a thank you and are out of your line of sight in mere seconds. You use the thief’s phone to call the police and you leave a note before you swing away.

You continue fighting small crime and helping people around for the rest of the night.

When you get home you see that May had a night shift so you don’t enter the building as quietly as you usually do. You take off your suit. Then you lay in bed staring at the ceiling. You feel your stomach rumble, it’s 3 am and you haven’t eaten since lunch. You eat at lunch because you sit with Ned and MJ. You don’t want to worry them, they already give you side glances when they notice how tired you seem to be lately. Or how you always layer up, even more than you usually do. You know it’s because you don’t eat, you even know the science behind it, probably know more about that than anyone. You still won’t eat though. 

Spider-Man can still function, so Peter can suffer still. 

You stay like that for too long, or at least you think it’s too long, you can’t tell. You slowly start to fall asleep just to wake up mere hours later, a few minutes before your alarm goes off, to a nightmare you don’t remember. You’re laid in bed sweating and shaking. Your alarm goes off. You stay in place, shaking and sweating. You can’t think. You can’t even remember the dream so why are you reacting this way, why are you so afraid of something which you don’t know? You can easily assume what the dream was about, though it could be a number of things. You feel trapped in your skin, just as you were trapped under that building. You feel so fucking trapped. You get up and go to the bathroom adjacent to your room, you put the toilet lid down and you sit on it as you get out the things you need. A few minutes later you have some new neat lines criss-crossing your thighs. You don’t like your thighs. You watch the dripping for a few minutes before you clean up and bandage yourself. 

It hurts.

You get dressed. Socks and underwear first, then your binder, then your jeans and then an undershirt, a t-shirt, a plaid shirt to go over it and then you grab your jacket too. It’s 80 degrees outside today. You feel warm, but you also know that a normal person would’ve only been wearing a maximum of 2 layers today. You swing your backpack over your shoulder. You go into the kitchen and you see May standing there, you smile and wave to her. She smiles and waves back. You leave to go to school. You think about swinging your way there but you decide to take the bus instead. You feel your stomach rumble. 

You feel happy that you’re hungry.

You get through your first couple of periods with relative calm and ease. Even Flash isn’t being as much of a dick today. You skip lunch with Ned and MJ though because you forgot about the homework due today, the homework you were supposed to do last night. Ned and MJ understand and let you go without them, they don’t seem too worried about the situation. There’s the added bonus of not having to eat too. You feel proud of your hunger. You go to your next couple classes tired but ready. Today there’s a Decathlon meeting, you are determined to actually go to it today. MJ would kill you if you missed this many in a row. You go to the bathroom right before you head there. You leave the cubicle after finishing your business and you stand there at a sink looking at yourself in the mirror. You realise you’re now feeling way weaker than you were before. You start to get black spots in your vision. The spots increase in size and soon you are on the ground, you don’t really know how you got there or how long you spent there. This has happened before.

You get up and continue as normal.

You still feel weak after Decathlon but you carry on as you are. You realise on your way home that one of the crisses and crosses on your thigh has opened up when you fell in the bathroom earlier. You get back home to May just about to leave, she gives you a kiss on the cheek and gives you some money to get dinner tonight. You keep the money. You go out as Spider-Man. You have the time, you made sure you did all your homework and you have no other plans. You swing around the city. You help people at every corner. Today is busy, people getting lost, a lot of people overestimating how much they can carry and an abundance of petty crime. 

You still feel weak.

And you continue feeling weak as you fly around the city. And you just keep feeling weaker. You feel your breathing becoming more shallow and you start to worry. You don’t feel the hunger anymore but you know that you haven’t eaten in too long. You should probably eat but you really don’t want to. The guilt is too much, you can’t afford the extra guilt from eating. You continue swinging around the city but you feel even weaker. You want to stop and have a moment to breath. You’re mid-swing however. You feel so fucking weak. Your grip loosens as your vision blurs and everything feels like too much and you can’t fucking breathe and you can’t feel the tug of your web anymore and you feel so weak and everything is spinning and you feel so god damned weak and so fucking weak, you can’t breathe.

You fall.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhh, me promising to update my klaus fic in fucking august n then coming back in fucking november with an entirely different fic. uhhh sorry bout that, i kinda only write when i need to vent and i hella needed to vent, i would've written the klaus one but i'm currently only reading spiderman fics so that became my fic topic.  
Hope y'all liked the fic, im sorry that i only write triggering things. i swear i didnt mean for this type of ending but uh i just let the fic take me where it took me.


End file.
